Skurry!

Dear Kelly Brothers,

The goatee you have going doesn’t translate on t.v., so much so that you look like you have a baby skunk dry humping your mouth.

A concerned viewer,
Kristine

Dear EWWW…

I got a message today and people are under the impression that we were ‘best friends’. We were never best friends.
In elementary school you were bitter and envious. In high school you slept with your real best friend’s boyfriend because she inadvertently called you fat. You continued this pattern all four years with various guys and burned through friendships. 
After gaining employment with a certain company you slept with how many married men before you settled in a mutual friend’s husband? You justified this action by saying he wasn’t happy and his wife was having an affair.  They divorced and you stayed with him until you decided to sleep with a married man at work.  This man had a small child and now divorced from his wife.  I thought you had changed when you met the man you married. You didn’t. You cheated on him as well…with a married man.
I’m not innocent in any of this though. I not only watched you do this, I remained your friend through all of it…until the last time.  

Did I plan on falling in love with one of the men you discarded? Nope.  Do I regret it? Not a single second. 

I question why people come into our lives and I always wondered why I continued to allow you in my life.  You were always trash, classless and MEAN.  You’re a bitter, mean person. You treat people like they are beneath you. You’re a mean, ugly person on the inside and it doesn’t matter what you do on the outside it’s not going to change the fact that you’re a mean person.  You fooled so many times thinking you weren’t like that, but what you did over and over to men, children and families is horrible.

So keep this in mind when you’re crying about how your ‘best friend’ betrayed you. I never considered you my best friend. I kept you at a distance because I always believed you would somehow destroy my life.  Ironic isn’t it? you throw away someone who loved you and I picked up what you didn’t want anymore. 
I’ve said it a million times and I will say it again. I will cherish that ‘trash’ you didn’t want anymore with all my heart and soul.  Does that make me horrible?  Sure it does, do I care? not really.  I watched you do this for 20 plus years, I learned from the best, I spose. 

No Love,
NEVER was best friend.

Employer

Dear Job Website,

Twatballs. You suck them. Find a developer that can design a better website before you advertise that you are up and running…and required to be used.

Sick of your errors,
Kristine

Brrr!

Dear Dirty Clothes,

I switched the water settings from cold to warm because I felt bad because the apartment is freezing.

Yes, I know…it was stupid, but it’s REALLY cold…and I care about you.

Xoxox,
Kristine

Nomnomnom.

Dear Ungrateful,

If you didn’t want it, you shouldn’t have treated it like shit, talked shit about it, lied through your teeth to it, hoped it would go away and when it didn’t…throw it away like trash.
So go on, talk about how you’re laughing that someone wants your trash. Doesn’t  everyone have something that someone couldn’t see the value in?
The difference is that I will cherish it and love every moment I’m allowed to have it.
Go on now, you win.

No love lost,
Kristine

Lame, but funny.

Dear Lame Conversation,
You were funny. I want to remember you:

Kristine: Rosh Hashanah is at the end of the month
Lester: i’m not jewish
Kristine: neither am I just sharing with you what my calendar said.
Kristine: My calendar is Jewish
Lester: does it have christmas on it?
Kristine: i’ll let you know in December.

Love,
Kristine

Weatherman

Dear Dirk Verdoorn,

I just watched your segment on the news and I feel dirty now!
Please stop with the quiet, low voice and come hither eye thing you do.  It’s the weather, not a first date.

Love,
Creeped out Kristine